Disappointment (?)

Okay, so I (finally) got an email from the Loft hiring committee, and as I suspected, I didn't get the job. While I was pretty sure this was going to be the news I got, it's still a disappointment. I know all the people in the Loft really wanted me to get it, and I feel like in some way I'm letting them down, even though I know I tried my hardest. I'm not used to trying as hard as I can to get something, then not getting it. Maybe I've been spoiled. But I know that I've been good at every job I've ever had, even those I didn't like very much, and I would have been an awesome director for the Loft. Whoever they hired had better be spectacular, or I have a hunch the Loft might lose a bunch of tutors.

Now I have to decide if I want to go back this fall as a tutor. Part of me does. I mean, I do love tutoring. And my students like being able to come to the Loft and work with me. On the other hand, it might be wisest to cut my losses and move on with my life. I'm 30 years old. That's a little bit too old to be fiddling around with a dead-end career, in my opinion, and there doesn't seem to be much of a chance I'll be upwardly mobile at North. It's frustrating. Maybe I'm being impatient. Maybe if I stick it out a little longer, something great will open up. Maybe I'm not management material--maybe I'm a teacher, and I should stay with what I know I do well. I don't know. I seem to be having a low confidence evening. I can tell myself as many times as I want that I'm good at my job, but when something like this happens, I always question my abilities and wonder if I've chosen the right career, even though my chosen career has been teaching and not administration.

Of course, the money and the title would have been nice with the director job. But would I have really wanted to do the job? I'm not sure. Sometimes I think that I would be really good at it, and other times I think it would be a waste of my creativity and teaching talent to go into administration. The part of education I like best is getting my students to believe that learning can be fun, and administrators have very little contact with actual students, as I learned from watching Pappi. I don't think I'm the sort of person who would be happy managing employees and balancing budgets. I'd rather come up with new lesson plans. Maybe not getting this job is the right thing for me. Maybe I was just enticed by the title, and I didn't give enough consideration to whether I really wanted the job or not, and the hiring committee noticed this. (Please let it be that, and not that they think I'm incompetent. Ack! Insecurity!)

I'll be returning to my teaching position this fall, at least. Back to good old Career Link. It will feel good to work with the kids, and I always feel very successful as they start to get their GEDs and feel better about themselves. They're fun to teach, and I enjoy the challenge. It would have been sad not to have a classroom in the fall, I suppose. I know I'll like it when I get there. All I have to decide now is whether I'll continue to tutor. Probably. I did promise my ESL students I'd see them in the Loft this fall.